A lot of time...

Been sick this week with the flu - second one in two months even though Charlie and I dutifully vaccinated for the winter.

Unlike the previous one, however, this one seems to be more severe and sudden (or maybe it just seems that way since each time, I'm always sure that the current sickness is the WORST) so for two nights, I'm awake every hour, catching only 30 minutes of sleep here and there.

Not wanting to get Charlie sick, when a sudden onset of fever or head congestion woke me up, I usually walk out of the bedroom and settle in with a blanket in either the study or the living room. Too tired to do much else but too uncomfortable to sleep, I sat there in silence and the dimly lite room for what seemed like an eternity even though in reality, it was more like 10 - 15 minutes.

So what did I do during that forced quiet time? I meditated and prayed. Perhaps meditated is too serious of a word for a process that wasn't quite so "focused." Mainly, I just closed my eyes, let my thoughts wander and...talked to God.

Ordinarily, my prayers are like presenting a progress report to the Boss; telling Him where things are going well and asking for more reinforcements where they aren't.

But when you are sick and alone, the prayers become more honest. I prayed for quick healing because it is painful and I worried about how the medications would affect BAY-BE. I prayed for D because he has to take care of me and BAY-BE and I could tell that his immune system is being worn down from fighting my germs. I prayed for all the future nights that we'd be awake taking care of BAY-BE especially when s/he is sick. I also prayed for my niece who also came down with a cold this week. If I'm so miserable as an adult, I can't believe how the little five-year old is coping. Then I just prayed for whatever and whoever came to mind.

Of course, even in the midst of suffering God continues to teach me things. After a few rounds of sleep and waking up, I began to take these moments in stride. I became less anxious to make myself feel comfortable again so I could go back to sleep.

Sometimes, I just sat there in silence with my eyes closed, resting, until sleepiness overtook me and I naturally relaxed and drifted off to slumber. And aside from the discomfort of the flu symptoms, I was surprisingly alert and not "irritated" (for lack of better description) during the frequent wakings so I am hopeful that when I have to do this for BAY-BE - waking up multiple times during the night to feed and take care of him/her - that I could do it with tenderness and care.

The most important thing I learned, which I remembered from April was that once BAY-BE gets here, I'll have a lot of time to pray. At the time I didn't know what she meant now I have a hint; these late night sessions with just me, BAY-BE, and God are great times for good intimate conversations.

I just hope that God will remind me of this when the time comes.